Funny stories/jokes

[Tian318]

I'll start with one.

got this one by mail from a friend:

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at WalMart for my

dogs Shadow and Lady.

I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, that I had an elephant?

Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that No, I didn't

have a dog - that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I

probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time.

On the bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in

intensive care with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in

both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that

it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one

or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally

complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was

enthralled with my story by now.)

Horrified, She asked : "Did you end up in intensive care because the dog

food had poisoned you?"

I said: No not at all; I had stopped in the middle of the parking lot to

lick my ass and a car hit me.

The guy behind her was laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have

a heart attack!

WALMART won't let me shop there anymore.

[billyfromhill]

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?

It runs in your geans.

[2Bells Gaming]

while sitting in a Tim Horton's last night, my buddy decided to make faces at the cars coming out of the drive through. It was pretty funny until one guy stopped his van and came into the store. But when he saw my buddy's army shirt, and my FD shirt, he quickly turned around

[Tian318]

i got another one from my mate:

(it's dutch so i'll translate the best is can)

ONDERWERP: Beste Fam & Vrienden

Ik moet jullie mededelen dat ik binnenkort zal verhuizen naar Rome.

Hoewel het voor jullie wellicht een complete verrassing zal zijn, zat het er voor mij al heel lang aan te komen en ik heb me er dus volledig op voor kunnen bereiden.

De reden waarom ik ga verhuizen zal ik hieronder proberen uit te leggen.

Ik wordt namelijk paus

De reden waarom ik zonder twijfel paus zal worden is de volgende:

Want wie wordt er paus ?

Antwoord: de beste onder de kardinalen

En wie wordt er kardinaal ?

Antwoord : de beste onder de bisschoppen

En wie wordt er bisschop ?

Antwoord : de beste onder de DEKENS

En wie is de beste onder de dekens ?

Voilà, nu zijn we er!!

Nog vragen???.... of is het duidelijk??!!

Translation:

SUBJECT: Dear friends and relatives

I mailed you to tell you all that i will be moving to Rome soon.

Although this is a complete surprise for some of us, But for me it was a change waiting to happen, so i could prepare for it.

De reason i will be moving is simple, and i will explain.

I will become the next pope!

The reason why i'm sure that i will become the next pope is:

Who becomes the pope?:

Answer: The best under the cardinals

And who becomes a cardinal?:

Answer: The best under the bishops

And who becomes a bishop?

Answer: The man that is the best in bed.

And who is the best man in bed?

There we go

Any more questions? or is this clear enough?

[Hoppah]

[Tian318]

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.

"I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office.

"Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

[2Bells Gaming]

So, for the longest time, a man suspected his wife of cheating. Well, one day, he comes home early to find his wife naked in their 12th floor appartment. Well, now he feels this confirms his suspicion of her cheating. He goes nuts. He runs through the house, looking everywhere for the man she's 'cheating' on him with. he doesn't find him, and, in a last-ditch effort, he runs out and checks the balcony. Well, there are a pair of hands hanging on the railing. He looks over, and sees this man hanging there naked. The husband can't control his rage, and starts beating on the mans hands until he loses grip, and falls all 12 stories.

In a maraculous twist of fate, this man lands in a bush, and, except for a few scrapes, is uninjured. Well, he starts to climb out of the bush, but, as he does, the husband throws his fridge off the balcony, furious the man is still alive. The fridge lands on the man, killing him instantly.

The husband is SO ashamed of himself, he takes his own life.

So, when the man gets to heaven, he's in the front of the line when Saint Peter announces to everyone, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I appologise, but, Heaven is reaching its capacity for today, and therefore only people who have died under extreme circumstanses will be admitted into Heaven."

So the husband starts telling Saint Peter the story of how he killed the man he thought his wife was cheating with, and how he killed himself out of guilt. So, Saint Peter admits him, and calls the next person. The man starts.

"Well, you see, Saint Peter, I live on the 13th floor of an appartment building. I usually do my stretches in the morning, but, today, I was in a rush, and didn't get to them until this afternoon. I also changed it up a bit; I did them naked. Well, I was doing a hand-stand, and, got knocked off my balcony by a strong gust of wind. I ended up grabbing onto a balcony on the floor below me. I felt I was just about to lose my grip, when this man came out and looked down at me.

"I thought I was saved, and was happier than ever, until he started beating my hands. I couldn't hold on long, and fell to the ground. Amazingly, I landed in bushes, and survived. But then, the man threw a fridge down on me."

Saint Peter agrees this is extreme, and admits him. So, the third guy comes up. "So picture this; this woman is cheating on her husband with me, and he comes home early. But, I figured I'd hide in their fridge...."

[theocd]

Three rubbish ones from me:

Everyday a German Shepard comes and craps on my lawn. Today he brought his dog.

Did you hit him in defence?

No, I hit him in de face and he fell over de fence.

Police closed Liverpool town centre after discovering a suspicious item in a vehicle. Turned out later that it was a tax disc.

The OC-D

[Tian318]

Keep your grandma away from electronics

[Multibullets]

Whilst surfing on the web I found this hilarious german commercial.

WARNING: May not be suitable for minors!

[Ami89E1234]

OMG that ooo just pissed myself laughing.

[Guest pmadden94]

Whilst surfing on the web I found this hilarious german commercial.

WARNING: May not be suitable for minors!

haha..it may be german but thats hilarious

[firetruck449]

a blonde and a man were standing by a flag pole, when a maintenance lady walked up. she said can i help you? the man said "they told us to find out the height of this flag pole but we dont have a ladder. so the lady pulled out a screwdriver and layed the flag pole down. she measured it and said "its exactly 12 feet high. the man said thanks and the maintenance lady left and the blonde said

that idiot they wanted us to find the height of the flag pole she gave us the length!

[Grim_Wizard]

WARNING CONTENT NOT SUITABLE FOR MINORS (Language Explicit and graphic)

This one's fineish

Found Toys gone wild from Big Bills

[Tian318]

Funny cats:

[Guest patience]

Nice story man. I like this one. Thanks for the sharing that

[Tian318]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=related